Skip This Post. Seriously.
I feel like life is hating me today. I’m really struggling this week. So this is a post to vent and to just be authentically me – which is why I suggest you skip this post if you’ve made it this far. But I’m writing this because instinct tells me to give this moment a voice. Maybe you can relate. I can’t honestly say that I care either way right now.
Today, I feel sad. Disconnected. Burned out. Overwhelmed. Unheard. Unvalued. I must have been radiating negative vibes that cross cities because even my maid service cancelled on me today. Even they didn’t want to come here today.
I had three seconds this afternoon where I acknowledged that this rough patch is actually a good sign. It means I’m in the “slush” between transitioning to a whole new world.
Okay, that does makes sense. I’m in a massive decluttering phase. Not only have I stripped out half my closet and a slew of lingering possessions that I have long abandoned but kept stuffed away (“just in case!”), but I’m also recognizing that I need to declutter the very things that aren’t truly working in my life.
One of my most time-sucking hobbies is partner dancing. I’ve done it for over 15 years now. But I can’t remember the last time I had a truly amazing, fun night of dancing. It’s been a long time since I woke up feeling that high from the night before. Mostly, I feel like a plant in the corner of the studio that people don’t even acknowledge anymore. That’s me. It’s been years since I had a dedicated partner to practice and work with. I’m a partner person; I thrive with having a partner who I work with and show off with. Not having anyone at your level who gets excited when you show up for a dance kind of hurts your soul. So if it isn’t fun anymore, then why keep doing it? I asked myself this very thing and decided that maybe it’s time to do something else. It’s worth noting that reluctantly walking away from something you invested 15 years of your life in also hurts your soul. * sigh *
I’m taking the same approach to work as well. Time to stop doing things that drain me and focus on what I love most. I recently committed to taking on some side work that will advance me professionally, put some extra money in my pocket and open the door for the next phase of my career. It means that I spend all my free time working. No wonder I feel burned out. I stay up all night trying to make sure I hit my deadlines. I’m not even 100% confident that I can do what I committed to. I decided I’d figure it out along the way if need be. I have a tendency to “stretch” myself and this time that “stretch” is freaking me out.
Lastly, I feel disconnected. I think everyone is so overwhelmed and consumed by their own lives that we don’t do a good job of really staying connected with one another. We are too busy and tired to truly help each other through our “slushy” moments. I’d love to call someone and vent over how annoyed I am that the maid service cancelled and now I have to make my own bed (on Wednesdays, I wash the bedding and leave it for the maids to make the bed “professionally”). It’s the most pathetic thing to complain over, but it’s what’s bothering me most on top of the fact that I lost all the work I did on this project last night and have to start totally from scratch tonight. It’s easier to talk about the woes of having to make my own bed than the trauma of “Holy crap – I just lost 5 hours of work and I want to die now”.
Tomorrow, all this may change. An old partner might resurface and say, “Hey, let’s get together and work on some stuff”. Maybe tonight I’ll zip through recreating those 5 hours of lost work and do it even better and faster this time. Tomorrow I could wake up feeling totally rejuvenated and cartwheel out of bed singing “Good Time” by Owl City.
But I also know that right now, I’m uprooting myself. I’ve done a lot of energetic clearing work and what I’m experiencing right now is probably a consequence of that. It’s the slush. It’s the transition of moving from lowly caterpillar to the glorious butterfly. Maybe I need to stop dancing so I can advance myself in a totally different area (and I know exactly what that area is, which just adds to my stress – can’t I postpone my dreams until I have at least one amazing dance partner? Let me go out on a high… come on…).
Transition is ugly. Shedding hurts. Moving is messy. It uproots you, disorients you and makes you write whiny posts.
And I want it to be okay to do just that. It’s okay to have this totally authentic moment of whining over trivial things and being terrified of the huge things before me. Not everything has to be a positive inspiration… sometimes we are inspired simply by seeing that someone else is struggling too. Someone else is feeling like life is hating them too.
Today, that person is me. And I’m telling you that you aren’t alone. Right now, the only inspirational thing I can write is “Me too”. So here it is. Me too.