Category Archives: Dance

Scoffing at Dancers

I’m in a room filled with enthusiastic dancers and one self-righteous critic. She leans in close and mutters, “No one here can dance”. I smile politely but cringe inside.

When people scoff at how others dance, I want to remind them that not everyone can afford to drop thousands of dollars for private lessons. Many dancers are struggling to get by as students or single parents. I started dancing when I was in grad school completing two Masters degrees. Private lessons wasn’t an option for me for many, many years. Most people would love to invest in their dancing, but it isn’t always feasible. It isn’t fair to mock people who have the passion but don’t have the financial means to do the kind of training others do.

Let’s also not forget that most of us get into dancing just to have fun. Not everyone seeks to compete or perform. Some dance to be more expressive or playful. Some are experimenting with new concepts and ideas. Not everyone wants to dance the same way or the same style. Others seek to innovate, not recreate… and let’s be honest: innovating and experimenting is a wonky looking process, and everyone deserves a safe space to explore and create their magic.

I realize that the path I’ve chosen for myself isn’t necessarily the right path for everyone else. I love private lessons and practicas and seeking feedback. And yes, I know a lot of people get exasperated by the skill level in their scene and wish their peers would train more. However, if I want to raise the level in my scene, I need to be someone who inspires and helps others, not shames them or shuts them out. Serious dancers have the power to create glass ceilings in their community and they have the power to break them.

It’s easy to get self-righteous as we progress. I know several beginners who grew very critical of others once they got serious with their training.

When I find myself falling into judgement, I know it’s ego (which is driven by insecurity) sparking that. I turn my attention inward to focus on how I can better my dancing – or how I can help support others along their journey.

Dance communities are small. So much is gained by being kind, supportive and helpful of one another. I’m less interested in judging what my peers are doing and I’m more interested in finding ways I can inspire or invite people to explore new concepts and ideas along with me.

And I love sharing what (or most importantly, who) has been helpful for me. Serious dancers and scene leaders can gently offer guidance to those who are struggling, lost or going down the wrong paths for the result they seek.

True scene leaders help each other UP the ladder, not kick them down to the ground, block the ladder or scoff at how no one knows how to climb a ladder. You never know why people are where they are and why. It’s worth staying humble and kind. ❤

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We may never know what issues people are facing which make them think, act and react in certain ways. Be helpful rather than judgmental. – Mufti Ismail Menk

Related: The 9th Way to Get Asked to Dance & Snubbed. 

An Insecure Dancer

I was just about to leave for my first big tango festival when a message popped up on my phone. It was from a skilled dancer raving over the amazing followers and how every dance was the “best one ever”. Then he said how excited he was to dance with me that afternoon.

My excitement shifted – without a clutch – to anxiety. Was I going to be totally out of my league? I had been working on my tango but I still had much to learn. I didn’t want to disappoint any kind-hearted, unsuspecting leads who took a chance on an unknown girl. First impressions matter – especially in tango.

That weekend, I felt this anxiety pulsing through my body with every guy who asked me to dance. Sure, the dances were amazing for me, but were they amazing for my partnersBecause I truly cared about that. 

My focus when dancing is on giving and creating. I seek to give perfect balance, timing and responsiveness. I seek to create a moment with my partner that leaves them feeling awe over what just transpired between us and the music.

That level of giving and creating takes time and work to master. Meanwhile, I wrestle with the insecurity of knowing that I’m not there yet.

When I began tango I discovered something terribly awkward. With it’s complex technique, requisite intimacy and demand for total vulnerability, tango makes people insecure. Could I get truly comfortable with being raw, vulnerable and (gasp) – imperfect in this unforgiving dance?

I could handle being raw and vulnerable – hey, I was once naked on stage. But the idea of people politely suffering through dances with me while making mental notes to avoid me for the next decade was unacceptable.

I am secretly obsessed with how I feel to my partner. I never want a lead to feel burdened by a lack of balance, or thrown off by bad timing or wonder how to control something that doesn’t listen and moves on auto-pilot. The insecurity is a result of how much I care about how I affect my partner and what we are collaboratively seeking to do.

Insecurity drove me to action. 

Therefore, I work regularly with a pro. I insist he is brutally honest when training me. I attend weekly practicas (and probably annoy the leads with how much I ask how something felt or what would make it feel better). I ask for specific feedback. I assume nothing because I’ve been surprised in the past. Insecurity has kept me open to growing. It drives me to root out and fix everything that doesn’t feel good to a partner. Insecurity drives me to take an experience and seek ways to make it better.

This all served to help build greater confidence. However….

Confidence carries an ugly risk – assumptions. Sometimes we get so comfortable or confident that we get sloppy over time without realizing it. Or we think we know more than we truly do. A “good” embrace isn’t the same as a “phenomenal” embrace. Everything can be done better with new layers of technique.

As I develop confidence in an area, I keep it on my radar to check regularly with practice partners and my pro.  I’ve grown sloppy two weeks later on something I thought I had nailed down.

So perhaps a dash of insecurity is a good thing after all… something to keep me humble and driven to stay on top of my game. A few weeks ago, I travelled to a festival out of state and had a drastically different experience. I felt confident. I felt humble. And even though I felt that tinge of insecurity, this time I knew what to do with it. I embraced it.

Related: Tango isn’t for Everyone & The 9th Way to Get Asked to Dance.

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Snubbed.

My tango journey started the same as many before me. By being snubbed.

I started tango in a beginner friendly community. Most people were lovely. But I quickly realized that I was clearly invisible to certain people. Some were advanced dancers who made their disdain obvious. One was an instructor who overtly snubbed anyone not currently taking lessons from her. Others were friends who grew distant as they got more serious with their dancing – suddenly hesitant to say hello out of fear it would end in a dreaded invitation to dance.

In some cases, people don’t snub you for long… some start teaching or promoting. They soon realize the people they snubbed have value after all. Those people can pay cover charges, attend workshops, share posts, and build their image as a scene leader.

Hey. I’m more than a $15 cover charge and a body filling up space in a class. I am a human being worthy of basic courtesy – even if I’m not taking private lessons from you, attending your event or have rockstar dance skills. Our dance community is about connection. It’s not about opportunistically using people.

Being a good dancer doesn’t entitle you to forego being well-mannered and polite. It DOES mean that you have to get smart about how to manage your night gracefully when 90% of the room wants your time, energy and attention.

I’m far from perfect with greeting everyone – sometimes my mind is elsewhere or my introverted side trumps my desire to be social. And I’ve been guilty of writing off those who clearly want nothing to do with me. But, let’s be honest; there is always time to smile and say hello.

I get why I don’t always get that warm hello. Once I got serious with my dancing I began drawing the attention of the better leads. And that’s when I saw the difference between someone snubbing me versus someone not really noticing me. Some were simply focused on dancers who were a better match for their skill level and interests.

Not everyone goes to a dance to be social. Not everyone wants to greet everyone in the room. Some people simply focus on the people they already know, their closest friends and favorites. Some people don’t want to invite a lengthy encounter when they are simply there to dance or catch their favorite partners. I don’t take any of that personally.

However. Sometimes it IS intentional.

Sometimes being snubbed means the person has made a judgement of one’s value and acceptance. I’ve seen many cases where it left someone feeling very hurt, broadsided or even mocked. I’ve heard a lot of ugly stories. And sometimes it is a passive-aggressive method of conveying that you are less than. Unworthy. Undesired. Unwelcome.

No one wants to go where they feel snubbed. Check yourself. Check your friends. Check your venue culture. Check your scene leaders. This isn’t about dancing with everyone in the room or getting to know everyone on a personal level. It’s simply about being kind and polite. 

Years ago, a guy I know wrote: “We NEVER forget the ones who snubbed us”. The dancer you snub today may be the one who blossoms in unforeseen popularity or skill. The one who becomes the most sought after dancer in the room, or your perfect match for a partner. Today, that guy holds a tango championship title. That guy had the power to make a fool out of the ones who snubbed him. 

Therefore, I don’t mind being snubbed. Because I’ll be working on my dancing. Expanding the light and love I bring to the community. Challenging myself every day to be a better, more compassionate, loving human being – and hey, if things go well, a dancer who is in high demand.

So, if you’re feeling snubbed, go “make a fool out of those people”. Become the best dancer you can become. Become known for doing or being something amazing. Have a phenomenal embrace, impeccable balance, brilliant musicality, or an exquisite walk. If dancing isn’t your main forte, become known for being an extraordinary person; having a brilliant wit, the warmest heart, the best stories, profound wisdom, exceptional insight, a hilarious sense of humor or an invaluable friend.

And forget about those people. Let your gifts be their loss. And keep your focus on the many beautiful, warm and loving souls in our community.

Related: Why Tango is Snobby

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The 9th Way to Get Asked to Dance

If you read 8 Ways to Get Asked Dance and people are still skirting around you and focusing on blank walls when they see you, consider the 9th and most powerful way to get people to sweep you onto the dance floor.

#9. Take a private lesson. Stay with me. I know you think you don’t need it. Maybe you’ve been dancing since you were 10. Maybe you’ve had years of training. You might even be working with a pro now. If you aren’t getting the dances you REALLY want, you probably need to change something. 

Without regular coaching, we all get a little sloppy over time. Or maybe it’s something more problematic… like technique that got missed or weird habits. Whatever it is, we all need an instructor who has the guts to be honest with how we really feel to our partners.

Right now, people in every community are praying that someone they know would learn they are:

1.  Totally unaware of how to stay on balance.
2.  Rendering their partner’s hand unusable for the next dance.
3.  Gouging out their partner’s kidneys.
4.  Oblivious to timing and how music is actually structured.
5.  Unaware of how to touch a human they are not assaulting.
6.  Facing the wrong direction.
7.  Molesting partners by connecting in the wrong places.
8.  Impersonating a noodle.
9.  Single-handedly destroying their partner’s back.

When you work with a great instructor, people will say great things behind your back instead of, “How the hell is she walking unassisted without falling over right now?”

And if you’ve worked with a beloved instructor and you aren’t happy with how your nights are going, then it’s time to face reality. Find a pro who has the courage to teach you what you need, not what you want.

If you are a social dancer who is feeling unfulfilled or frustrated, get a pro who is a master at teaching social dancing technique.

Having the right instructor is transforming the experience I have at milongas. Instead of ping-ponging around to every pro in town, I committed myself to one master level instructor to get my fundamentals totally cleaned up and developed. I’m still in the middle of my process, but this has been the most impactful thing I have done thus far for my dancing.

And sure enough… it’s starting to magnetically draw the better dancers to me so I finally have the kind of nights I really desire.

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The 9th way of getting asked to dance helps prevent you from doing this move all night.

 

The Lead is not a “Ride”

I know a girl who treats leads like they are amusement park rides. She wants the lead to entertain her with a bunch of flashy moves… lifts, dips, drops. If the dance isn’t exciting enough for her, she will throw herself into a dramatic dip or drop – and expect the guy to catch her.

Not only is that incredibly dangerous, but it’s rude to the lead. It treats him like he is there solely to serve her. Leads shouldn’t feel used for the follower’s enjoyment.

It amazes me how many times I hear this complaint from leaders… Feeling like his job is to give ladies a magical, exciting dance – despite the fact that she may not have the technical skills to execute it on her end.

I don’t expect the lead to show me off and make me feel beautiful, sexy and talented. That is MY job – and I shouldn’t rely on a lead for that. Great followers look amazing with anyone they dance with because of their skills – not the leads.

Therefore, I’m studying technique so I can be an equal contributor. A lead doesn’t want to exhaust himself compensating for things we aren’t willing to learn to do correctly (i.e., maintaining our own balance, staying on time, or sustaining proper frame and connection). He’s there to have fun too – not just work his ass off trying to keep us upright and beaming.

The most unforgettable dance I’ve witnessed was a tango couple in Denver; he led nothing but forward steps and side steps. The woman, with gorgeous footwork and brilliant musicality, spun those movements into pure magic.

She showed me that with amazing technique, we can make simple dances look and feel utterly captivating.

For me, partner dancing is about giving. I don’t seek out leads based on what I can get, I seek out leads based on what I feel we can give one another. I want the lead to sincerely enjoy dancing with me – and for the right reasons.

Ideally, I want to give perfect balance, solid connection and flawless timing (have patience; it is a work in progress). I want to inspire him with my musicality and entertain him with beautiful, creative styling. I want him to feel that moving with me is effortless so he can be in his heart and not in his headspace. And since that is the gift I want to give my lead, I am actively building those skills.

Ultimately, I want to be the follower who makes the dance fun for my lead. Because in partner dancing, it’s not all about me. It’s all about us. 

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If you just want to “use” a lead to make you feel beautiful and talented, at least drop $20 in his pocket when the song starts and say, “Entertain me!” so he knows what hell he just entered into. He will need it for physical therapy / medical bills when you throw yourself into a dip he didn’t lead. 

Why tango is snobby

When people really get into tango, it becomes fairly evident that group classes and a few private lessons aren’t really enough. Tango is a technique driven dance. Without solid technique, people spend a lot of time sitting out, complaining about the snobby people who won’t dance with them.

When people get serious about learning tango, they embrace technique. Learning technique isn’t quick or cheap. It means finding a master-level teacher and studying regularly with them for months or years. Therefore, many instructors offer packages of 10, 25, 50 private lessons. Consequently, serious dancers usually drop big money on private lessons. 

Would you spend $2500 on photography classes to learn how to use your high-end Nikon and then go out to take photos with an iPhone? Probably not, because most of the stuff you learned with the camera can’t be practiced or applied with an iPhone. Sure, you’ll get some good shots, but you’ll feel unfulfilled, knowing that you have the ability of doing much better work with equipment that supports your new knowledge and skills.

Most dancers aren’t snobby – they simply want to use what they paid to learn.* They are seeking a return on their investment because they spent a big chunk of hard-earned money learning it.

Learning has a catch:  Use it or lose it. To truly learn it, you gotta use it.

What’s the point of learning new things if I spend my evening adjusting for (or struggling through) other’s wonky technique instead of practicing what I paid to learn? Some people invest thousands of dollars so they can do amazing things with other skilled dancers – not so they can do basic moves with people who think technique is overrated.

Tango is a technique driven dance that isn’t for everyone (depending on your expectations). I don’t say that to be elitist; I say that to be honest. If you are sitting out a lot or getting passed over by people who you want to dance with, find a pro with extensive expertise in correcting and teaching technique.

If you won’t work on your own technique, then stop complaining about what other people “should” be doing (i.e., asking you to dance anyway or learning how to lead/follow better). If you refuse to rise up then get used to sitting down. 

If we want to dance with better dancers, let’s get serious about our art and become better dancers… develop the skills under the right pro and people will seek YOU out.  We all have to earn it – just like the “snobby” people did. 

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There is a difference between seeking to dance at one’s level versus being overtly rude or denying others of basic courtesies. Honestly, I have found nearly everyone I have met to be incredibly warm and kind upon getting to know them a bit. And please don’t mistake shyness, introversion or intimidation as snobbery or rudeness. Give the benefit of the doubt and get to know people first.

For the serious dancers: there is no harm in taking care of your own needs first. Just remember to  reach back and help someone else along the way (just as others likely did for you). Community and karma matter in this world.

Tango Isn’t for Everyone

When someone expresses an interest in learning tango, I often hesitate. I know tango looks fun, sexy and beautiful, but it can be a serious commitment. It’s a hardcore pursuit. Yes, some people casually dance tango as a hobby. But here’s the reality: tango is like a vampire that bites into your heart and changes your soul forever. Once it bites you, you will be seduced into an endless quest that steals your time, money, mind – and your heart. Therefore, be warned…

You better LOVE technique. If you have a passion for nitty gritty, detailed technique that teaches nuances of movement, leading/following, connection, posture and body organization, then you will be captivated by tango. The amount of technique to learn will deeply humble you. If you just want to have fun, remember that your partner’s idea of having fun is usually based on doing this skillfully. Most tango dancers don’t just “play around”. Technique is what makes the dance feel amazing to your partner. If you care about that, awesome! If you don’t, maybe partner dancing isn’t for you….

It takes money. If you aren’t investing in truly learning tango, you probably won’t be dancing much or enjoying it when you do. Private lessons, workshops, tango shoes, milongas, practicas, outfits – it adds up quickly and it’s quite addicting. You’ll drop serious money on private lessons. I know a guy who blew his annual tango budget by February. Tango is like a heroin habit. Only death and paralysis can stop it.

It’s a long commitment. Tango is not a dance that gets mastered in six months or five years. It’s not a “once a week” kind of a dance. There’s no “low hanging fruit” in tango. This is a multi-layered skill that endlessly unfolds for those who seek its elusive mastery. You’ll think you learned a move – and then you’ll spend years learning how to do it correctly. Ochos are only easy when you’re doing them wrong.

And it’s intimate. A good dance for me goes like this. “Hi, I’m Karen”. Seconds later, I have melted into his body and my lips are barely inches from his. It’s four legs and one heart – and we are slowly stripped into total vulnerability as we unveil ourselves through a 9-minute exploration of one another’s skills, potential and expression.

By the end, we know each other in ways we may only intuitively understand. I know if he embraces a woman with tenderness, command or caution. I sense whether he seeks the heart, mind or body of a woman first. I know whether he thinks or feels more. I feel where he is confident, where he is shy and where he is selfish. I sense what he hungers for and what he fears. I know whether he sees me as a conquest, a collaborator or an executor of his command. I know if he is a risk-taker, an explorer or an inventor. I know if he approaches tango as an artist, an engineer or an architect. I know if he is a witty conversationalist or a curious listener. I discover what makes him sexy, beautiful and profoundly captivating – even when all he is doing is “just dancing”.

Tango can be insanely difficult. Expensive. Toilsome. Humbling. And deeply unmasking.

It’s not for everyone. For some people, it’s not for them “right now”.

When I began, I was told that I didn’t find tango. Tango found me.

Let tango find you. And be ready when it does, for tango is a relentless thief. It will gently swipe away your time, money and perhaps your ego – if you have the courage to surrender it. Tango unmasks our true character, our vulnerabilities, our weaknesses and our magical unwrapped talents. But only for those willing – and able – to give tango what it asks of us first.

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Photo by Peter Forett

 

8 Ways to Get Asked to Dance

“I’m not getting asked to dance,” she said. And I could see why. She was a skilled follower and a beautiful woman with the warmest soul. But no one noticed because she sat buried in the corner of the room looking royally annoyed.

Sometimes I’m not in the mood to do a lot of social dancing. But when I am… here are a few things I will do (and guys, this goes for you too!).

#1: Stand up. If you REALLY want to dance, don’t sit down. It gives the impression that you are resting and taking a break. Stand up and position yourself at the edge of the dance floor.

#2: Start moving. Whether you are standing by the dance floor or sitting down, moving your body and your feet to the music shows that you are feeling the song and want to dance to it. The fastest way for me to get asked is to go onto the edge of the floor and begin dancing by myself or practicing a movement.

#3. Be less social. This isn’t the time to get into a deep conversation with a friend. If I am chatting with someone, I keep my eyes on the dance floor, and actively convey that my interest is not in the conversation, but on the possibility of dancing. I show this by smiling at people who walk by and being interested in what’s happening on the floor.

#4. Be more social. Find someone you want to dance with and strike up a conversation with them. Comment on how much you love the band or DJ tonight. Ask if they like the wine they are drinking. Or simply go up and say, “I don’t believe we have met, I’m Karen….”. Making a new friend this way will almost always lead to them asking you dance – either then or later.

#5. Check your attitude. You have to look receptive, so drop the crossed arms. Confidence is great thing, but don’t strut around and watch the floor with an attitude that suggests you are too good to dance with anyone there. Some people appear to be always judging what’s happening on the floor. Don’t be that person. It suggests you will do the same when you dance with them. Lastly, be gracious regardless of who asks you to dance. Guys will notice how you respond when asked to dance – and will watch your attitude while you are dancing with other leads. Stay gracious! 

#6. Drop your ego. You aren’t entitled to being asked just because you showed up. Your 10,000 hours of lessons and practicing doesn’t guarantee you a thing. If you want to dance, sometimes YOU just have to ask. If I never asked guys to dance, I would sit down all night too. Make a guy’s night and approach him. Guys love this far more than we ladies realize.

#7. Make it easy. Don’t play hard to get. Don’t make it difficult or awkward for the guy to ask you. Ensure you have plenty of moments when you are alone so he doesn’t have to awkwardly interrupt a conversation. Smile at them. Make eye contact. Even if you have to fake it, appear to be enjoying your night. No guy wants to take on the challenge of flipping an attitude from “pissed off bench warmer” to happy dancer.

#8. Be the first to say hello. When you walk into a room or pass people, take the initiative to be the first to say hello. Greeting people shows them that you are friendly and receptive. Upon arrival, I do my best to walk the room greeting everyone I know in the room. At that point, I oftentimes say, “Save me a dance later” – which basically fills up my dance card right away.

Lastly, some nights I’m simply feeling more demure or shy, especially if I am feeling intimidated by the skill level of the room. In that case, I ask friends, the DJ, host or promoter who they recommend I dance with. Most people are more than happy to make an introduction or point out a warm, friendly lead who will put me at ease.

At the end of the day, getting asked is simply about exuding good vibes. Change your vibe and it will change your night.

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The “We Aren’t Rotating” Solution

It was a dance instructor’s nightmare. At the top of the class, 50% of the class raised their hands to indicate that they were not rotating – they wanted to stay with their intended partner for the entire class.

Unfortunately, that left 7 extra ladies with one hesitant man to rotate to.

The next day, I got smart and asked someone to partner with me for the class. Upon arriving, I saw that EVERYONE had a partner this time. Except for one girl…. I saw her shyly fade off to the fringe of the room to reluctantly “just watch” the class – which isn’t what she paid for when she signed up.

I didn’t know the girl very well, but I sensed that she really wanted to take the class. When I saw that she didn’t have a partner, I ran over and invited her to join meI suggested that we share my partner, switching on and off.

Imagine how different the previous day would have been if couples had “adopted” a single person and rotated between the three of them. The instructor wouldn’t be managing a nightmare and the entire class would have gone home happy.

I understand why couples don’t want to rotate and I fully respect that choice. Sharing a partner honors the wish to stay together and enables pairs to be good community members.

If we want to build and sustain communities where people feel embraced and included, we need to notice the person who is reluctantly sitting out, or on the fringes, and find a way to integrate them. Especially when they are aching to be included.

This is one simple and easy way to be a “community hero” – and still stay with your partner.

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It’s awkward when everyone is paired up.

(Related: The Unchosen Man – The powerful impact of “choosing” someone)

I just danced with a Windsock

Windsocks. Usually seen outside car dealerships, dancing and waving in the wind to capture your attention. I’m pretty sure one of those windsocks just got off work and came out to the venue I was at and asked me to dance. It was a beautiful, evocative fusion song. But I didn’t get to do fusion to that song. Instead, I got windsocked.

The dance started off nicely enough. He pulled me in for a nice embrace and a gentle pulse. Then he broke into open position and began waving… waving his noodly arms and body as he became totally caught up in the freedom of moving his body as he channeled the music. I think his mind waved off too because he seemed totally oblivious to my ideas and invitations.

It happens in fusion. It happens in blues. It even happens in lindy. It seems to happens in dances where technique is not a dominant focus of the dance.

Have we somehow given the impression that technique isn’t necessary? Do people believe some dances are so easy that they don’t need to learn actual moves – much less how to execute them? Many classes teach moves but gloss over technique. It took me to YEARS to realize, “Oh yeah… technique. I should probably work on that.”

Yes, technique is hard and dirty work. And we dance for fun, right? Sometimes that windsock dance is fun – it’s free and playful and kind of mindless. And I get it. Some people just want to play. If they don’t like technique, they may gravitate to fusion or blues where they feel more freedom to play. But any partner dancing is a technique driven activity.

Fusion is no exception. Unfortunately, some people may not know what to do with fusion songs. Perhaps they never really learned blues movement and idioms, or the fundamentals of west coast swing, tango, jazz or general dance technique. They may lack skill in one dance, much less know how to skillfully blend dance styles or apply movement to a different music genre.

That skill and technique is what makes it fusion. Otherwise, it’s just freestyle social dancing.

For improv driven dances such as blues and fusion, having a wide vocabulary of movements to draw inspiration from (and being able to skillfully execute them) is a huge benefit. As dancers, we steal ideas and movements from other styles. Learning other styles helps you steal more.

Windsocking might be good for those who are still building their general dance skills, technique and vocabulary… and perhaps there are people who simply want to express and feel the music without taking it to other levels. That’s ok.

However, I believe there is magic in learning how to do something skillfully – especially when it involves a partner. Invest in learning various dances – technique and all. Dancing can be more than just freedom and expression. It can be absolutely magical.

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