The Delicacy of the Dance Spirit

I want to share a personal story about dance spirit.

This weekend I received an unsolicited, catty remark from a “professional” about my tango dancing. Had I been a total beginner, that remark would have left an ugly slash in my motivation and interest in continuing with tango.

Sadly, the remark had it’s intended impact and left me struggling to find the confidence I have been steadily building. I felt deflated and I questioned whether I truly have what tango requires of me.

Saturday night I was at a milonga and a favorite nuevo song came on. I turned to the first man I saw and anxiously asked, “Do you like nuevo?” to which he wordlessly swept me onto the floor in an embrace that honestly, left me nearly breathless. Apparently, I had asked a lead who was a true rockstar milonguero.

I remember making a stumble during that dance. I immediately apologized for my sloppiness – to which he murmured a warm reassurance that lifted my confidence back into flight.

This man, Mahmoud, exuded class. He slipped away before I could thank him not only for such a lovely tanda, but also for being such a gentleman. This man appeared when my dance spirit was feeling a bit broken. His kindness and willingness to embrace me unconditionally for where I am in my dance journey restored my faith that I am part of a community with a warm heart…. and not just self-righteous egos of superiority.

Tonight, I returned to my weekly practica with Marcos and Ruta, whose support and generous guidance flood me with inspiration every week. I feel them looking at me with excitement, seeing my potential, gently pulling it out of me… these two can see within me. They see butterflies of potential beginning to break from their silky cocoons. They see the birth of magic which I have yet to imagine is possible for me.

Tango, being such a profoundly intense and complex dance, has one inherent weakness. It can create a tremendously vulnerable dance spirit, which can be easily broken. It’s why people commit to and quit tango over and over and over.

The delicacy of one’s dance spirit should not be forgotten. – Karen Leigh Kaye

The scene leaders in our tango community have an unfortunate power that bears great responsibility. They can nurture ones dance spirit – or poison it to an untimely death. Sadly, I see too many cases where dance spirits are broken or mangled by behaviors driven by insecurity, sheer meanness, exclusion, self-righteousness or delusions of superiority.

Perhaps the true masters of tango have conquered the greatest challenge tango confronts us with – the challenge to be true gentleman and women of grace and class – to everyone seeking the heart of tango. 

When beckoned to choose between throwing dirt and judgement – or casting light and love, choose wisely. For this may be where the true future of tango lies.

Portrait of beautiful bride. Wedding dress.

Argentine Tango has the power to unfold every part of me into the rawest vulnerability. Perhaps that’s why some evenings end like this – watching, waiting and wondering.  Wondering if it is truly worth it. And waiting to see if it is.

We Don’t Need More Classes

I have a friend who picked up dancing and immediately jumped into taking as many classes as he could. He was at the studio five nights a week, taking 2-3 classes a night. He wanted to learn as much as he could in six months.

Six months later, despite taking many intermediate and advanced classes, he still could not execute the basic movements cleanly. He only had a few moves that he remembered and could lead. His posture and body organization was a mess. At the end of six months, he had a beginner skillset with an intermediate ego.

This guy didn’t need more classes. He needed feedback. He needed to practice what he had learned. He needed feedback from his partners and perhaps guidance from professionals hosting practice sessions. He needed active discussion with honest practice partners.*

This is exactly what I crave in my dance community because I need all those things too. I don’t want more classes and workshops. I need time to work on what I already know. I need to work on the things I learned in my private lessons but haven’t integrated or refined in my social dancing.

We don’t need more classes. We need more practicas with active discussion and feedback between partners. 

People can only absorb so much information at a time. Information overload is fatal to effective learning. If you can’t retain it or execute it, it’s useless. In some cases, we create delusions of learning where people only retain information on a very shallow level. They can recite what they learned, but can’t execute it smoothly for 10 minutes on the dance floor with a variety of partners.

I fully believe that the true learning doesn’t happen in a class; it happens on the social floor. It happens when you are practicing with a partner. It happens during your experimentation and exploration.

We don’t learn by listening to a lecture. We learn by taking things into our own hands and practicing… and discovering what feels best to us… and adjusting based on the result we get from that experimentation. And with a partner, you get the benefit of direct feedback.

The best practices of learning apply whether you are learning how to tackle an opponent, design a logo or do the mambo. Learn new information. Then dedicate time to playing with it, experimenting with it and integrating it. Seek out feedback, make adjustments and experiment some more.

And as any learning professional can tell you, that is where the true magic, the big epiphanies, and the real learning happens.

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* Feedback and discussion isn’t one-way teaching. Regardless of skill level, both people should seek feedback from others in any learning environment. Make no assumptions! 

 

The “Not Quite Social” Dancer

We all know the “Not Quite Social” dancer. They show up to a social dance and basically spend all night dancing with one person. It’s understandable if they are on a date. But sometimes it’s a rockstar dancer who just doesn’t want to dance with anyone else because… well, no one else is “worth dancing with.”

I have been that dancer. I have often heard “I don’t want to dance with anyone else here” muttered in my ear – and it’s always based on the skill level in the room. But then I realized what message we were sending to the rest of the community by shutting everyone else out. 

I sensed that the message I was sending was: I don’t want to be part of the very community that made me the dancer I am today. 

We are all dependent on good social dancing to practice and develop our skills. We get better by dancing with people of ALL skill levels (even beginners). Right now, there are a lot of people feeling frustrated and stuck in Intermediate Land. They don’t get to work toward their true potential because the more skilled dancers barely make eye contact with them.

This is creating a barrier to growth – both for dancers and venues. Dancers who aren’t challenged, don’t grow. They eventually drop out, give up or move on to other things. And it’s usually the high potential ones who do this. 

Rockstar dancers, please remember this: There was a time when no one wanted to dance with you. A time when people gave you dances even though there were better partners in the room. A time when others secretly wished you would get some serious help with your dancing. And yet, people danced with you anyway – even when they didn’t have to or want to.

Let this be an invitation to the “Not Quite Social” dancers to return to the very community that created you. Come to the practicas and actively participate. Get to know the people in the room. Socialize a bit – especially at smaller dances. Dance with someone you haven’t met yet. Figure out who the high potential people are and help them along a bit – just as someone likely did for you.   

Sadly, it’s a little creepy having people at a dance who think no one there is good enough to dance with (or who mock everyone else in the room). We need scene leaders who are active and positive contributors. Dance is all about connection… and it’s worth staying connected to the very community that built you.  

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Let’s apply this concept on the social floor. 

 

 

Delusions of Leadership

I once had a boss who was highly regarded as a great manager. Her team of three employees were reliable, honest, and did impressive work. Everyone got along and collaborated easily on projects. Life was good.

Then she hired an employee from hell. Lisa did not have the skills she professed. Her work quality was egregiously bad and she brought total chaos to every project she touched. She quickly violated trust with everyone of the team.

So the team looked to the manager to address the problem of Lisa. The manager met with Lisa. Repeatedly. Nothing changed. The team quickly lost their respect and faith in the manager.

The situation baffled everyone. This idolized leader seemed incapable of managing Lisa. This manager, who also taught leadership classes, didn’t seem able to execute the very skills she trained others on. Why?

This manager was an amazing leader only when her team was low maintenance and high performing. Anyone can lead a team of perfect employees. Only a truly skilled manager can lead a team through messy situations.

How do you develop leadership skills? By managing situations that throw you off. You learn how to handle performance issues by having employees who do poor quality work. You learn how to have awkward conversations by having an employee who reeks of strange odors. You learn how to manage a compulsive liar by having one on your team. You learn clear communication from having a direct report who misunderstands everything.

You’d be surprised at how much you’ll learn from a renegade, two-faced, lazy, incompetent employee who lies in meetings, undermines projects, harasses the FedEx guy and is suspected of spiking her coffee each morning.

If you never have any of these situations, how will you ever develop the skill to handle difficult situations when they do occur? You don’t learn in in a 4 hour class; you master it over years of experiencing a lot of wonky stuff. And this goes for pretty much every skill in life. 

The employee from hell is the best training you will ever have. So don’t forget to silently thank them when you finally boot them out the door. Your worst employee might just be your best teacher.

Related: Delusions of Competence

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* In a previous lifetime, I worked in Human Resources for ten years where I advised managers on employee relations issues. 

An Awkward First Year of Tango

When I first got interested in tango, I would go to a milonga and pay $15 to sit and be eyed suspiciously for three hours. I knew about the cabaceo, tandas and why I shouldn’t say “thank you” at the end of every song. But there is so much more…. Here are a few things I wish I had known in my first year.

#1. Your hair style matters. Fluffy, voluminous, 80s hair isn’t going to help you get dances. It’s a dead giveaway that you are new at this. Pull your hair back or away from the right side of your face. This is due to the head positioning you will have with the lead in close embrace. He doesn’t want to visually navigate the floor through a tousled mass of your hair.

#2. Tango is not a forgiving dance. Don’t bank on being able to fake it, especially if you are coming over from another dance style. Don’t expect your partners to happily compensate for your lack of tango technique all night. Tango dancers take their dance skills very seriously and will invest tremendously in private lessons, classes and workshops. If you want to dance with good dancers, invest in classes and private lessons to get your basics down solid. People will engage you when they see your dedication and development in advancing your technique and skills. Some may pass you over until they see you making real progress.

#3. People may watch you for a while before they ask you to dance. This could be hours, weeks or years. If you’re sitting out a lot, use the time wisely; study the people on the floor. Even better; start socializing.

#4. Attitude matters. Leave entitlement at home. You are not entitled to dance with the best people in the room simply because you showed up and have a general idea of how to dance. Be gracious. Stay humble. Don’t hound people or dominate them. Don’t start off with a reputation for being aggressive, rude or desperate.

#5. The outfit matters. It’s another clue on how legit you are as a dancer. If you decide that tango is for you, invest in tango shoes. Your flats/dance sneakers/Jessica Simpson heels say you are brand new at this. While advanced dancers can get away with wearing jeans, Pumas, tiny shorts or midriff baring tops to a milonga, a beginner is probably better served by going with a more traditional, elegant look.

#6. Don’t rush into the embrace immediately upon hitting the floor. Before you embrace, engage your new friend with some light conversation. You might chat for 30 seconds before the lead initiates the embrace. What do you talk about? “Is this your first time here?” or “How are you enjoying your evening thus far?” or “I love the music tonight!”.

#7. When dancing, don’t talk. Followers, just close your eyes and be in the exquisite moment of that embrace. Immerse yourself in the dance and focus entirely on your partner (not the mirror, not the rockstar dancer 10 feet away and not your feet). This is the time to dance and connect, not entertain your partner with engaging conversation.

#8. Love nuevo? Awesome. Just dial it back at the traditional milongas. Big, showy, flashy nuevo moves will definitely get attention – namely, scowls and frowny faces. They may even get you kicked out of a traditional milonga, so don’t go there to show off your fancy stuff.

Lastly, I feel like the social environment in tango is kind of like going to a party… walk in, greet the people you know. Say hello to the host, find your table, introduce yourself to new people as appropriate. When I leave, I do my best to thank the DJ (especially if I loved the music), the host and to say good-bye to friends (old and newly met).

Treating people kindly and warmly, and with gratitude, respect and interest goes a long way – whether it’s inside or outside the milonga.

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This is what I felt like inside during my first year of tango, praying that I would get at least a few good tandas in – instead of just politely watching them. 

Let’s not be Creepy

Partner dancing can be a tricky world to play in. We are told to have good connection, to be expressive and playful. We get caught up in the moment, the music and in the arms of a person we feel amazing connection with. And yet, there are boundaries. We must not forget common sense and social cues. Yes, the dance floor is our playground, and we still have to play nice.

  • During a group class, what is and is not considered appropriate for the dance being taught should be addressed. Expectations need to be set from the start. We need to tell people that the groin is not a connection point and remind them not to breathe heavily in their partner’s ear.
  • Tell people how to address inappropriate situations if they occur. Everyone should know how to intensify their frame to create distance and how to break into open position. Provide ideas on how to verbally communicate discomfort to their partner. Ensure people know who to talk to at the venue if they feel weird about something happening on the dance floor.
  • If you accidentally do something inappropriate, say something! Acknowledge it and apologize. It happens. We touch things we did not mean to. I’ve done everything from punching a guy in the stomach to cupping a guy’s groin during a sugar push gone wrong. Just own up to it and show the person that it wasn’t intentional.
  • Feel free to move someone’s hand to where you want it placed on your body. If their hand is lingering near your butt, take their hand and say, “I need your hand up here”. Some people, especially beginners, may not be aware of what they are doing and will appreciate the correction. Encourage people to take control in these cases and speak up.
  • If possible, don’t teach an intimate embrace in a beginning class. Start with open (or practice) embrace. It creates too much opportunity for weird stuff to happen accidentally or intentionally. I personally consider closed embrace to be an intermediate level skill that simply isn’t necessary or appropriate for someone just learning how to dance. Closed embrace requires extra mindfulness, awareness and technique that a total beginner dancer probably isn’t ready for quite yet.
  • Post the venue’s code of conduct inside the venue. Cover what is (and is not) considered appropriate and who to talk to if an issue arises. Direct people to talk to the person hosting the room, the instructor or the DJ – one whom should be easily found if needed. These people can also help monitor the room to address situations, so it helps if they can all be briefed on how things should be handled if they witness something needing intervention. (continued below)

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Following are a few things that don’t get talked about much, but probably should:

  • The way a person dances with one person does not represent how he or she will dance with someone else. If two people are having a deeply intimate, sexy dance, that does not mean that either of them will dance that way with someone else. Let the closeness of the dance develop and unfold organically. Sometimes after a dance, I’ll ask the guy, “Was that too much? Should I dial that back a bit?”. Have open conversations to determine what you are both comfortable with doing during a dance.
  • Some people enjoy a kiss on the cheek as a greeting, farewell or thank you. If you are going to do a cheek kiss, keep it sweet and innocent, not lingering and suggestive. Don’t kiss on the mouth unless you are in a relationship with that person. If someone is surprised by a kiss on the mouth (or if they dodge it), you likely creeped them out.
  • Unless someone has told you they are okay with caresses on your arm, back or in your hair, just don’t go there. If someone is overly touchy, break into open position. You can also simply say, “That’s more touch than I’m okay with”. If you initiate touch and someone pulls away or blocks it, it’s not welcome.
  • What happens on the dance floor does not represent feelings off of the dance floor. Romantic interest should be explored off the floor and not during a dance. The dance itself really needs to be a safe space for both people to play, be expressive and immerse themselves in the energy of the dance – and then walk away 3 minutes later to do the same with someone else.

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Part of what makes partner dancing such a tricky world is that we need to listen to our partners body language during a dance as well as their lead or follow. The social cues are always there, and we all need to be listening for them.

Ultimately, I think it comes down to two things: having common sense and honoring social cues.

Lastly, if we can’t have open conversations about what we are doing on and off the floor with someone, then something creepy is probably happening. And no one should ever hesitate to speak up in these cases because a true predator banks everything on the hope that no one ever speaks up.

It’s Michael, not “Mike”

Michael had just placed our order at a juice bar. Moments later a girl appears holding our drinks. She calls out “Mike?” – and I shoot a scowl her way. Mike? I know he didn’t give her that name because his name is MICHAEL.

I get why the name change happens at the juice bar. But I don’t get why this happens socially. Michael clearly introduces himself as Michael only to later be called “Mike” – in both professional and social settings. And he despises being called Mike.

When someone introduces themselves, they generally give you the name they want to be called. Calling them something different is like calling them an entirely different name. When you call Michael “Mike”, he doesn’t hear “Mike”, he hears, “Elmer”. And it makes him cringe.

Michael has been written up as “Mike Brown” in newspapers and professional publications distributed to huge audiences. Mike Brown was named as UCI’s newest board member. Mike Brown received plaques of honor that Michael doesn’t display. Mike Brown has done awesome stuff that Michael wanted memorialized under a name he actually uses.

Please don’t assume the standard nicknames are okay (i.e., Becky instead of Rebecca). We don’t give someone a cutesy nickname before we get to know them, because that would be weird…. So don’t do it to Rebecca,  Robert or Elizabeth. The nickname can feel distinctly different and foreign to the person; which might be why they don’t use it.

This is Social Skills 101. Calling someone a different name tells them that you don’t listen or care. Some may not mind, but I know many who feel slighted or disrespected from the very start. I know some who long to be rid of a childhood nickname because it represents them being a child and not an adult. Some nicknames are reserved for one’s “inner circle” of closest friends or family.

“There is no sweeter sound to any person’s ear than the sound of their own name…” – Dale Carnegie

Think these people are over-reacting? Our name is the most important word to us. Nothing is worse than being called a name you hate. How would you feel if people kept calling you Mort or Gertrude after you introduced yourself as Grace or Tyler? For some people, that’s what it feels like.

Some people love the elegance and sophistication of their name exactly as it is… Jonathan, Alexander, Jacqueline, Remington are beautiful names! Charles and Chuck just don’t have the same vibe… so don’t use them interchangeably.

And when you feel close enough to someone to want to call them something else… whether it is Mike or Spunkmeister – please just ask. Ensure someone is ok with whatever name you call them. Which is why I need to remind “Mike” to stop calling me “Bunny Nut Cheerios”.

Michael loves his name. And it means a lot when others love his name exactly the way it is.

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Don’t call her Lizzie.

 

Please don’t do this at a Milonga

I decided to venture outside of my usual stomping grounds to attend a milonga known for attracting great dancers. I barely had my shoes on before I was approached for a dance.

The dance begins. I soften into his embrace. I notice the people sitting alongside the floor. I see them watching me. I’m new here; they don’t know me nor whether I can dance. I feel proud of my long strides and extensions on my walk. And then this happened.

My lead began doing moves that he hadn’t fully learned yet. One move pulled me way off axis and left me teetering. Another caused me to make an awkward stumble that almost led to a fall.

The faux pas was not that he led moves not yet mastered. The greater sin was creating a situation that made me look bad and feel awkward*. I felt embarrassed by our mistakes. I looked like I had no idea what I was doing. For me, this was the worst possible first impression to make at a new milonga as other men were watching (probably to decide whether to cabeceo me later).

In the lindyhop world, mistakes happen and people laugh and forget about it. In the tango world, people seem to watch other dancers intently. They might watch you for hours, weeks, even months before deciding to ask for a dance (or accept an invitation). When I first started, I would go to a milonga and pay $15 to sit and be eyed suspiciously for 3 hours. Tango dancers can be hesitant to dance with you until they see that you are legit and can dance well.

If a good lead thinks you are a sloppy, unskilled follower, he will probably pass you over in favor of those who don’t stumble their way through a tanda. What I’ve learned is that looking bad can cost you tandas with other dancers. And good tandas are precious!

Tango is an elegant dance. So, please do the classy thing and make your partner look good. Take advantage of practicas for experimenting and practicing moves. When you can execute a move solidly with a variety of people, then bring it into the milonga.

The guy mentioned above made mistakes throughout the entire tanda that led to many awkward moments for me. Not only was it embarrassing, but it left me feeling very uncomfortable as I observed others watching this fiasco with amusement. That’s not how we take care of our partner. If we are going to do a partner dance, we need to act like a partner.

Great partners make each other look good. They don’t show off at the expense of their partner. They cover for one another’s mistakes when needed. They highlight what the other person does well. They play to their strengths and skills. They work within the scope of their partner’s boundaries. And most importantly, making someone look good guarantees that they walk off the floor feeling good. And that’s a level of connection we all need more of these days.

* Not all mistakes are equal! It’s one thing for a move to not go as intended or led, it’s another for the move to be so poorly executed that the dancers appear to be awkwardly stumbling through it. And I’m perfectly fine doing an entire tanda of basic moves that are solidly led!

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My absolute favorite gift idea

Last year for Michael’s birthday, I found myself really struggling. I didn’t want to impress him with a big gift, I wanted to touch his heart. At the time, I felt that he really needed a reminder of what a phenomenal man he truly is. So this is what I did.

I created a document. The first page was titled, “Things I love about my darling”. And I listed out all the beautiful, amazing things about Michael that I wanted him to be always reminded of. Here’s a brief sample of what I did:

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I ran out of room and still had so much more to say, so I added a second page titled, “More Things I am Grateful for…”. I did my best to be as specific as I could so he knew someone was recognizing all the facets of him that don’t get acknowledged enough.

Screen Shot 2016-02-02 at 7.58.47 PMMy plan was to frame them (which i did) but Michael travels a lot and always carries a backpack with him, so I wanted him to have something he could carry with him. Sometimes he calls while on the road and I hear him feeling worn out or beat down from a rough day. So I took a copy to Staples and had them laminate it so he could keep it in his backpack all the time… and on the rough days, I hoped he’d stumble upon it and take a few moments to be reminded of just how impressive he truly is.

So if you are struggling to find the right gift for someone you adore, whether a loved one, a dear friend, or even an employee who you want to recognize at retirement, consider touching one’s heart by telling them all the beautiful things you see in them – but haven’t quite said.

 

An Epiphany @ Cafe Gratitude

I’m in San Diego for a dance event, but I feel incredibly sad. These weekends are supposed to be inspirational, energizing and rejuvenating. Sure enough, I find myself profoundly inspired by a tango performance that is the epitome of what I hope to become; it’s magical in every way.

However, my failure to find a skilled, dedicated partner has me feeling especially ungrounded. I’m suddenly feeling the angst of unfulfilled potential. I feel incomplete. I feel unchallenged and bored. I thought I had something unique to build upon; something that would attract an amazing partner who shares my aspirations. But right now, I feel that my “magic” is gone and I’m losing hope. I feel lost in the crowd. It hits me hard today and the confluence of all this has me nearly in tears.

I have time to kill, so I seek a place for lunch. I find myself at Café Gratitude; by the name alone, I know I will be at home here. I order a green drink and a black bean burger. The waitress brings the drink first. “You are complete,” she says as she places it before me with a reassuring, loving smile.

I’m a bit startled until I realize that “Complete” was the name of the drink I had ordered. The irony of this flashes through my mind as I take a sip. I don’t feel remotely “complete”, so I quickly distract myself with my phone until my food arrives.

And then it arrives. I turn from my phone to see a waiter holding my veggie burger before me. “You are magical,” he says with a powerful gaze into my eyes. He says this as if it were an indisputable truth. He says it as though he is commanding it to the universe. He says it like he intuitively knew that I’ve written myself off.

That’s when I got it. I ordered precisely what I needed to hear. I needed to be reminded that I AM complete – even without a partner. Perhaps my magic hasn’t worn off just yet – maybe I still have a shot at being a captivating dancer and living my potential after all. At Gratitude, everything on the menu is named with a word (i.e., worthy, extraordinary, brave) that is then used to present the customer with an affirmation.

I went to Café Gratitude for lunch. Yes, I got fed. But in a most unusual way, I also got validated. I felt that my soul got the hug it needed. I got reassuring whispers from angels and encouraging nudges to keep going. I heard the very things that I felt the greatest doubt about.

They could have just served me lunch and left me with a great impression of an amazing plant-based menu, awesome ambiance and flawless service. But I felt touched by their business model. I felt impacted by the experience. I felt re-centered and grounded by their thoughtfulness. One waiter, Rowan, talked about the company and menu names with such conviction and passion that I teared up.

The little things count so very much. Café Gratitude didn’t just serve me – they impacted me. And I really, truly, deeply needed that today.

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Lunch at Cafe Gratitude was the turning point for my rough day. My experience there totally shifted my energy, which led to an amazing evening of dancing. Thank you ❤

 

 

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