My tango journey started the same as many before me. By being snubbed.
I started tango in a beginner friendly community. Most people were lovely. But I quickly realized that I was clearly invisible to certain people. Some were advanced dancers who made their disdain obvious. One was an instructor who overtly snubbed anyone not currently taking lessons from her. Others were friends who grew distant as they got more serious with their dancing – suddenly hesitant to say hello out of fear it would end in a dreaded invitation to dance.
In some cases, people don’t snub you for long… some start teaching or promoting. They soon realize the people they snubbed have value after all. Those people can pay cover charges, attend workshops, share posts, and build their image as a scene leader.
Hey. I’m more than a $15 cover charge and a body filling up space in a class. I am a human being worthy of basic courtesy – even if I’m not taking private lessons from you, attending your event or have rockstar dance skills. Our dance community is about connection. It’s not about opportunistically using people.
Being a good dancer doesn’t entitle you to forego being well-mannered and polite. It DOES mean that you have to get smart about how to manage your night gracefully when 90% of the room wants your time, energy and attention.
I’m far from perfect with greeting everyone – sometimes my mind is elsewhere or my introverted side trumps my desire to be social. And I’ve been guilty of writing off those who clearly want nothing to do with me. But, let’s be honest; there is always time to smile and say hello.
I get why I don’t always get that warm hello. Once I got serious with my dancing I began drawing the attention of the better leads. And that’s when I saw the difference between someone snubbing me versus someone not really noticing me. Some were simply focused on dancers who were a better match for their skill level and interests.
Not everyone goes to a dance to be social. Not everyone wants to greet everyone in the room. Some people simply focus on the people they already know, their closest friends and favorites. Some people don’t want to invite a lengthy encounter when they are simply there to dance or catch their favorite partners. I don’t take any of that personally.
However. Sometimes it IS intentional.
Sometimes being snubbed means the person has made a judgement of one’s value and acceptance. I’ve seen many cases where it left someone feeling very hurt, broadsided or even mocked. I’ve heard a lot of ugly stories. And sometimes it is a passive-aggressive method of conveying that you are less than. Unworthy. Undesired. Unwelcome.
No one wants to go where they feel snubbed. Check yourself. Check your friends. Check your venue culture. Check your scene leaders. This isn’t about dancing with everyone in the room or getting to know everyone on a personal level. It’s simply about being kind and polite.
Years ago, a guy I know wrote: “We NEVER forget the ones who snubbed us”. The dancer you snub today may be the one who blossoms in unforeseen popularity or skill. The one who becomes the most sought after dancer in the room, or your perfect match for a partner. Today, that guy holds a tango championship title. That guy had the power to make a fool out of the ones who snubbed him.
Therefore, I don’t mind being snubbed. Because I’ll be working on my dancing. Expanding the light and love I bring to the community. Challenging myself every day to be a better, more compassionate, loving human being – and hey, if things go well, a dancer who is in high demand.
So, if you’re feeling snubbed, go “make a fool out of those people”. Become the best dancer you can become. Become known for doing or being something amazing. Have a phenomenal embrace, impeccable balance, brilliant musicality, or an exquisite walk. If dancing isn’t your main forte, become known for being an extraordinary person; having a brilliant wit, the warmest heart, the best stories, profound wisdom, exceptional insight, a hilarious sense of humor or an invaluable friend.
And forget about those people. Let your gifts be their loss. And keep your focus on the many beautiful, warm and loving souls in our community.
Related: Why Tango is Snobby
When I first got interested in tango, I would go to a milonga and pay $15 to sit and be eyed suspiciously for three hours. I knew about the cabaceo, tandas and why I shouldn’t say “thank you” at the end of every song. But there is so much more…. Here are a few things I wish I had known in my first year.
#1. Your hair style matters. Fluffy, voluminous, 80s hair isn’t going to help you get dances. It’s a dead giveaway that you are new at this. Pull your hair back or away from the right side of your face. This is due to the head positioning you will have with the lead in close embrace. He doesn’t want to visually navigate the floor through a tousled mass of your hair.
#2. Tango is not a forgiving dance. Don’t bank on being able to fake it, especially if you are coming over from another dance style. Don’t expect your partners to happily compensate for your lack of tango technique all night. Tango dancers take their dance skills very seriously and will invest tremendously in private lessons, classes and workshops. If you want to dance with good dancers, invest in classes and private lessons to get your basics down solid. People will engage you when they see your dedication and development in advancing your technique and skills. Some may pass you over until they see you making real progress.
#3. People may watch you for a while before they ask you to dance. This could be hours, weeks or years. If you’re sitting out a lot, use the time wisely; study the people on the floor. Even better; start socializing.
#4. Attitude matters. Leave entitlement at home. You are not entitled to dance with the best people in the room simply because you showed up and have a general idea of how to dance. Be gracious. Stay humble. Don’t hound people or dominate them. Don’t start off with a reputation for being aggressive, rude or desperate.
#5. The outfit matters. It’s another clue on how legit you are as a dancer. If you decide that tango is for you, invest in tango shoes. Your flats/dance sneakers/Jessica Simpson heels say you are brand new at this. While advanced dancers can get away with wearing jeans, Pumas, tiny shorts or midriff baring tops to a milonga, a beginner is probably better served by going with a more traditional, elegant look.
#6. Don’t rush into the embrace immediately upon hitting the floor. Before you embrace, engage your new friend with some light conversation. You might chat for 30 seconds before the lead initiates the embrace. What do you talk about? “Is this your first time here?” or “How are you enjoying your evening thus far?” or “I love the music tonight!”.
#7. When dancing, don’t talk. Followers, just close your eyes and be in the exquisite moment of that embrace. Immerse yourself in the dance and focus entirely on your partner (not the mirror, not the rockstar dancer 10 feet away and not your feet). This is the time to dance and connect, not entertain your partner with engaging conversation.
#8. Love nuevo? Awesome. Just dial it back at the traditional milongas. Big, showy, flashy nuevo moves will definitely get attention – namely, scowls and frowny faces. They may even get you kicked out of a traditional milonga, so don’t go there to show off your fancy stuff.
Lastly, I feel like the social environment in tango is kind of like going to a party… walk in, greet the people you know. Say hello to the host, find your table, introduce yourself to new people as appropriate. When I leave, I do my best to thank the DJ (especially if I loved the music), the host and to say good-bye to friends (old and newly met).
Treating people kindly and warmly, and with gratitude, respect and interest goes a long way – whether it’s inside or outside the milonga.
After watching “I AM The Documentary” with Tom Shadyac, I sat back, trying to process a jumble of personal epiphanies from the movie. The interconnectedness of our world, the butterfly impact of our emotions, choosing cooperation over competition. Love being the solution for all things.
In reflecting on my own life, I questioned my choices and actions in light of these insights. I thought of the moments when I’ve been judgmental of another’s failure to be a perfect human (I hate that I’m guilty of this). I thought of times when I chose self-righteousness and stubbornness as a means to protect my heart (someone who knows me is nodding right now and thinking what an understatement this is).
I was reminded of moments of subvert competition; where we knowingly walk into the room playing up our sleek bodies, our designer outfits, our charmed lives. Is it pride and confidence – or competition? I’m not even sure anymore.
What is wrong with the world today? I am. It’s me. The answer is simpler than I thought.
We have lost our sense of connectedness. These behaviors, actions, and attitudes (judgement, competition, self-interest, ego) cut the cords between us. We all live in the same box but this chronic disconnect is extirpating our bonds as a community.
Chronic disconnect. We ignore the homeless because it’s “not my problem”. We conveniently forget that we make the same mistakes we judge others for. We shun people who don’t share our beliefs. We pass people and dismiss them as unworthy for a warm smile. Neighbors pretend to not see each other on the sidewalk. I know people who don’t even make eye contact with waiters.
What is the one thing that reconnects us? Acts of love.
These acts can be simple ones, like a warm smile or acknowledging others with eye contact. Michael’s mantra is to “be the first to say hello”. People light up when we do this. Whether I am at Chipotle or at Mastro’s, I make a point to look the server and busser in the eye and ask (with sincere interest), “How you are today?”. People aren’t used to that and I must say, I’ve seen people get choked up simply from being acknowledged in this way.
It’s inevitable that people will hurt us and infuriate us. My personal challenge at the moment is to ask myself one question. If I want to shut someone out because I feel hurt, I’m doing my best to pause and ask myself, “Is this an act of love?” before reacting.
Can I find it in my heart to respond with an act of love in everything I do? By choosing an act of love, I weave webs of connection. That’s the world I want to live in.
Compassion and forgiveness doesn’t mean that I open the door to be hurt again, it means I let go of the negative energy and accept the incident as an invitation to practice an act of love.
By choosing forgiveness and compassion, we choose cooperation. Societies who value cooperation allow failure and recovery to occur within the arms of total acceptance. Cooperation connects.
In America, we love competition. But I see how competition segregates. Go ahead; prove yourself as being the smartest. Win – and tell me how friendly the 5th runner up is to you. Competition (especially with women) ineluctably leaves others feeling inferior, or feel shame for not being better. But what is the point of winning and standing alone?
So today, I’m asking myself one question. Is this an act of love? It stands to be determined if this one question will ultimately change the world. But I know one thing for sure. It will certainly change mine.